I once wrote a wildly successful advice column, dispensing weekly advice to the sad and lovelorn.
“Dear Gabby” ran in Pulse from 2004-07, so with Valentine’s Day rearing its ugly head, I went into my archives to reprint some of my best work. Some say my romance wisdom belies my solitude existence.
• I’m 16. All my buddies have had girlfriends, but not me; I’m just seen as a brotherly confidante. Is there hope?
Not to worry, young’n; you’re building a foundation to be exploited later. Your “Lance Romance” pals will eventually be seen as damaged merchandise, and you as a gift to unwrap and enjoy. “Unexcited trust” turns to “unbridled lust.”
Till then, just be there. The Elephant Man perfected a similar technique in the late 1800s. When researchers and female aristocrats heard his tragic tale, he’d often touch them during the sympathetic hug. Elephant Man was a major player, and you can be too.
• Valentines Day’s coming and I fear my relationship breakup isn’t far behind. Any gift ideas to convince her to stay?
Hey, your gift is your heart. If you gave yours in good faith and she’s been careless with that, why risk hard-earned money? Give her an oven mitt – if she puts it on and hits you in the mouth, welcome her departure. (If it knocks you out though, I’d keep it to myself.)
• How can one meet singles around town? And how do I know if they’re single in the first place?
Actually, everyone is single in the first place; we’re born that way. But I’ve found the post office during noon hour a great place to meet attractive singles. Another meat market with my “stamp of approval” (a hilarious, P.O. word play) is city park events … ice cream socials, concerts, etc. We animal shelter volunteers take adoptable dogs, and it never ceases to amaze what infallible mate-magnets the hounds are.
• Why do one out of two marriages end in divorce?
It’s even worse than that, my friend. Recent studies suggest divorce has risen to nearly 50%. I attribute it to the growing number of people choosing not to stay together.
• Do you believe there’s really a girl for every guy? Stuck in Nowheresville.
Yes, Nowhere Man, there is a girl for every guy. Some schmuck took mine and won’t give her back. But I josh; she’s out there so you just keep on looking. Get to a rowdy dance club, get yourself a snoot-full and root out that gal, pal. Don’t give up until you’re positive you’re meant to die miserable and alone.
• My man says he loves me, so why won’t he take me out in public? I’m developing a complex.
You may have answered your own question if you indeed do have a ruddy complexion. I had a pimple on my nose my junior year and girls weren’t coming out of the woodwork to ask me to prom.
To see if he really does love you, insist on a public date. And girl, if he pulls out a paper bag, don’t you dare put it over your head. That is not love and is borderline disrespectful.