So I go to Albertsons Saturday for a couple of staples like potato chips and Hostess Snoballs, yet had to stand in a long line with a multitude of other vacant-eyed souls. 

When my turn finally arrived, I was told, “I’m sorry sir, but I don’t see the 666, mark of the beast code on your forehead.” She snatched that bag of chips from my hand like a Schnauzer on a Vienna Sausage.

Parts of that account are true, while certain others (I actually had no Snoballs), not so much. Nonetheless, you may have heard talk by now of this Corona thing. It’s the huge elephant in the room, and just like after 9/11, a columnist failing to write about it is considered a pox on the profession.

In fact, the irrepressible Bonnie at the customer service desk asked me on my way past, “So are you gonna write about this madhouse?” I replied, “The seed has been planted and so I shall.”

Moments earlier, as I stood in line behind ol’ pal Tim Moir, the subject of “The Great Toilet Paper Famine,” naturally came up. Tim suggested a simple solution: “Eat more cheese; use less paper.” I’m not quite sure what he meant, thus held off laughing until he did, shaking my head like, “Right? 

Although allegedly funny, it really could come to the point a brother will ask a brother for a bit of T.P. and receive a chilly, “No, I can’t spare even a square.”

Call me crazy, but I ain’t shaking. Displaying a dogged courage-under-pressure, I’ve been sneezing on people and touching myself like there’s no tomorrow. Then again, so did NBA star Rudy Gobert, who’s now having toilet paper delivered to his quarantined bunker. He too was conveying the message, “Do I look scared?”

I’ve been warned by more than one – I’m guessing about three – I  fall into that perfect slot for CV. Sure, I’m in that extremely low, Tom-Hanks level of “elderly,” have respiratory issues and have never exactly been hygiene-conscious, as Moir probably noticed. On the plus side, avoiding human contact while isolated on the couch will be a breeze. I’ve been practicing for this my whole life.

So who knows … Warranted caution in deadly, unchartered waters, or as a hard-right skeptic recently put it, “It’s all a conspiracy to get a Democrat elected?” 

Probably in-between somewhere, but I’d be remiss not to remind Hannity disciples, not only wouldn’t China sign on to that scam, but if you recall, 9/11 didn’t work out so well in securing a party-change. George W and Rudy G would probably vouch for national tragedies uniting Americans to reelect and make heroes of who happens to be there at the time. You don’t change pilots during extreme turbulence.

God only knows which is true. And if this is a Biblically-prophesied, end-times plague, beware the grasshoppers of summer. If it’s merely a 24-hour-media overreaction, buy low and sell when high again, and don’t assume  your Charmin stocks are about to make you rich.

You could be wiped out by this internationally-coordinated conspiracy against our president. Heck, if Bernie’s elected, he’ll be giving that stuff away.

(3) comments


Well Doug, I do enjoy reading your humorous writings, but, sometimes the humorless are even more humorous to read with their self righteous indignation.

Wapiti 1

Ask the Italians if this is a hoax to get rid of Trump. Ask the Spaniards, the French, the Germans, the Iranians... Please quit minimizing this problem -- it is real, people have died and will die, it is really not a joking matter.


Surely you realized I was lampooning those who DO say this is a hoax to get a Democrat elected, which is absurd to the point of deserving ridicule. But as far as avoiding any humor attached to the grim situation, you can't expect people to stop smiling/laughing altogether till it's past. We'll have all the doomsday scenarios and grim statistics, 24/7 to last a lifetime; a little laughter in-between might be one of the few things to sustain us. Staying serious through a serious situation doesn't make it any less serious. (I am glad you're reading though; thank you).

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